Taming the Inner Critic (Reflection on February 2021)

Hey patrons,

Hope the month has been going well for you so far!

I’m here to share a new reflection with you today, and it’s one that I feel may be quite poignant these days. When you’re ready, let’s dive right in:

“Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

This is one of the maxims of the Christian faith, and it’s one that we tend to nod our heads in agreement about, regardless of our religious affiliations. However, there’s one fundamental problem with this rule, and it’s this:

What if you don’t love yourself?

It’s an interesting thing to consider, given that the maxim is governed under the assumption that you do. But if you don’t have that clause covered, then what happens? And furthermore, how are we to even know that we love ourselves in the first place?

Let’s start with that second question, and then move to the first.

What does it mean to love yourself? This is something I’ve thought a lot about, especially because I have the tendency to be pretty hard on myself. When it comes to my work, it often feels like I’m not doing enough. When it comes to my identity as a loved one, it often feels like I’m not “there” enough. The inner critic is much more harsh than any external one has been, and this dynamic is one that I find myself wrestling with quite frequently.

In one sense, loving yourself is about lowering the volume of that inner critic for a sustained period of time. To be content with the state of your life as is, rather than focusing on everything that your life is not. By removing that tendency to point to how much better something can be, you can instead see the beauty of everything that already is.

However, the tricky thing is that the inner critic exists for a reason, and a pretty good one. It’s there to ensure that you’re doing as much as you can to fulfill your potential.

The idea of potential is interesting because it’s just that: an idea. One’s potential doesn’t exist in the material world, and it certainly has no tangible characteristics that you can touch and see. But no one would deny the reality of its existence in any given individual. Humanity has the unique ability to take inventory of whatever characteristics one exhibits today, and to project the possibilities of what those characteristics can one day actualize. Education as an institution is designed to cultivate certain skill sets in a given population, and educators are there to help people use those skill sets to become aware of their potential.

The inner critic is the drill sergeant that keeps you on track to reaching that ideal future “you.” And just like real drill sergeants, the more intense it is, the more it imbues you with the resilience required to get there. The thing about drill sergeants, however, is that they walk the thin line between love and hate.

In the film Full Metal Jacket, the first half of the movie has to do with recruits in boot camp that are led under a relentless drill instructor named Sergeant Hartman. In the beginning, things are quite comedic as this sergeant goes around making fun of each soldier. Here’s an example of one classic exchange:

Sgt. Hartman: How tall are you, private?

Pvt. Cowboy: Sir, five-foot-nine, sir.

Sgt. Hartman: Five-foot-nine, I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!

Pretty good, eh? All the other recruits thought so too.

But as time goes on, one of the recruits gets bullied and pushed so far by the drill sergeant that in the end (spoiler alert), he ends up shooting the man in cold blood before turning the gun on himself. The film dramatizes what can happen if someone is unable to internalize “tough love” and instead morphs it into “raging hatred.” The line between the two can be very thin, and it takes a certain degree of awareness to be sure that you’re on the right side at any given moment.

The inner critic tries to keep us on the path to our potential by using “tough love” as its primary mechanism. It tells us that our work can be better because that’s the only way we’ll put in the time to improve it. It tells us to stop arguing about stupid shit with our parents because we’re just wasting precious time with them. And for many of the things it says, there’s a stark truth to it.

But when the inner critic gets too loud and never rests, then we can’t find peace within ourselves. We think we’re never enough, and that the present moment never yields us with what we need to be satisfied. It is in this state where self-love becomes a distant concept.

At its core, self-love is about balancing the voice of the inner critic with the voice of inner compassion. It’s understanding which voice is telling the truth at any given moment, and that both have merit depending on the situation. The inner critic must be listened to when you’ve picked up bad habits, or when you’re acting purely out of self-interest. That way you cultivate humility, which prevents you from becoming an asshole. On the other hand, inner compassion must be allowed when you know you’re being too hard on yourself. It’s knowing that squeezing in another few minutes of work isn’t going to do much. Or that being concerned that you’re not a good enough friend actually means that you are a good friend (funny how that works, eh?).

Loving yourself can be difficult because this balance tends to be disturbed throughout our day-to-day life. Existence is defined by demands and challenges, and it’s only natural that we never feel like we have enough time or bandwidth to get through them all. This makes us feel like there’s perpetually a gap to fill, or some void that needs to be addressed at all times.

But remember that this void is your way of reminding yourself of your potential. And when you have faith in your potential, that’s a form of self-love. You’re aware of your capabilities, the people you’re connected to, the confidence required to forge ahead. The ability to recognize these things as personal qualities is a good sign that you appreciate who you are.

When I see “love your neighbor as you love yourself,” I think a more accurate version is:

“Have compassion for your neighbor as you have compassion for yourself.”

By framing it this way, you recognize that your neighbor is fighting the same struggle that you are. Your neighbor also has that same inner critic, that same uncertainty of himself. You are both fighting similar battles, but doing it in two different venues.

To love your neighbor is to show him that you understand his struggle, and that you will do your best to help him balance the inner voices of criticism vs. compassion. Whether it’s through words of encouragement or simply by taking the time to listen, you are carving out the space required for your neighbor to explore his own doubts and sort them out.

On the flip side, if you don’t love yourself, then the maxim becomes:

“Be critical of your neighbor as you are critical of yourself.”

This is why someone that is upset at the world is almost always upset at himself. When I see someone yell at a waiter, that’s someone that has not found compassion toward himself. Ultimately, the way you treat your neighbor is indicative of how you view your own existence.

The only way to become a source of light for the world is to know when to heed the advice of your inner critic, and when to embrace the warmth of your inner compassion. You walk the path toward potential by bettering yourself, but the only way to be present is to accept everything as is. This paradox is what makes life such a beautiful struggle, and by understanding that everyone else is going through it, you are able to love your neighbor as you love yourself.

That’s it for this reflection. Feel free to share any thoughts, and as always, thank you so much for your support.

-Lawrence